a bit of my story

I wrote this today and I hope to continue in it somemore. I feel and I pray that my story and what I have here will lead others into freedom and being able to express themselves and to receive love. We are created to know and to be known. When our hearts are sick inside of us we make choices that fill our needs in an unhealthy way. This is part of my story and I pray that God would help you discover freedom and love. 

I want to tell you some of my story and some of how God revealed himself to me in an experiential way. I grew up as an adopted son, one who was born to parents who could not control their intake of drugs and alcohol. Hearts that were hurting and filling those needs with things that would numb the pain of past experiences. By the time I was 2 I had undergone surgery to extract gangrene from my small intestine. I was still alive by a miracle many doctors still exclaim what a miracle I am. I had a weak immune system and had a list a mile long of things I would never be able to eat in my life. I had high fevers and battled my body. My knees wouldn't allow me to walk properly and I was in a tough situation. My adoptive parents were loving and kind and my mothers stubbornness to see me well helped me persevere through many of my sicknesses. God continued to heal me from a weak immune system by the time I was 10 I was healthy and running like a normal child. However on the inside of me their was still separation and traumatic experiences that I would see years down the road.

Growing up in a Christian home and involved in church from the time I could remember helped my walk with God but their was still a heart disconnect from who God was and who he was in my mind. I read the bible and continued to grow hungry for the things of God. I often heard and read about Smith Wigglesworth. I asked for his books from my parents for Christmas and I received them. I read them and their was something that seemed to come on me when I read them. I would have chills and just something inside of me woke up when I read how an individual from Yorkshire England could lay his hands on the sick and they would be healed. I often read how he prayed, be eeealed with his accent and wondered if it was the prayer that made them well. I had no foundation for healing the small little church I went to would often invite those up to be prayed for but I never saw with my own eyes if they were healed. To this day I don't know if they were healed or not. I continued to read about Smith Wigglesworth and asked others about healing but their was nothing really said about it.

I often would be in my room alone and pray and ask God to come in power like that when I prayed for people a desire in my heart purged through me with great delight. Often times I would feel something inside of me or a tingly sensation when I thought about the things of God. I had no idea at that time that God was preparing for me to encounter me years down the road. I always listened to the preacher on Sundays and often was interested in what he was saying but somehow it didn't seem to always apply to my life in a way that provoke me to something. The same stories of Daniel and David continued to be heard and church just became a routine in some ways. My attitude towards it was if I missed it I wasn't doing very good spiritually that week. I was told to read my bible and to pray everyday and I would grow spiritually. Their was one thing that kept me coming back for more and more their were those feelings that I had that I couldn't express with my own words even to this day. It was his presence though. That is the one thing that I could remember ever since I was a boy was how sweet it felt when I prayed or often would be laying on the floor as a young boy asking God questions being overcome into tears of joy often doubting my experience in my mind. These times I would remember for years to come.

These things would set something up in my life even to this day. Their were other things that happened when I was a young boy around 11 years old I was abused sexually by a man who was a friend of the families. We would go on fishing trips and things would happen that I was so confused about. One part of me felt violated and another part felt that this was acceptable. It allowed myself to continue being involved in those situations for years to come. Shame crept in when I was older and it was a secret that I held onto for many years of my life. It opened a big wound where the enemy would push his lies into me further. I had a secret that I couldn't allow anyone in further than that. I distanced myself unknowingly or sub-consciously from those around me. My parents the ones who adopted me and loved me as their own became a victim to this event in my life. I couldn't tell anyone about it because to me it felt that I was allowing it to happen to me and I was ashamed at what others would think. The rejection that I faced as a young boy being taken away from his parents and placed in a foster home from time to time confused my heart and this added to the calamity even more. You see their were things I didn't understand as a young boy. Consciously I never knew any difference from how others treated me or acted towards me. It was a small community that I was apart of and people would often bring up the fact that I was adopted as a term of offence on the playground. Sub consciously and in my heart it bothered me, I would often feel the anguish of it when it was spoken but I never wanted to allow it to hurt me.

All of these things in my life never went away no matter how hard I tried. Rejection would rule my heart and push me into submissive encounters. I couldn't speak freely without thinking what others would think of me. My outward appearance I always found offensive and those around me often bugged me about my weight. I was always looking for acceptance much like Joseph in the Bible. Did you know that Josephs mother Rachel was living out what her son would have to endure for his life. Reproach (expressing disapproval or disappointment) governed her life when she could bear no child. In Genesis 30:22 God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb and she conceived and bore a son, and said, ``God has taken away my reproach``. So she called his name Joseph, and said, ``The lord shall add to me another son.`` We all know the story of Joseph, Joseph had an amazing dream and encounter with God he explained it to his brothers and father and they threw him in the well to die. He was sold into slavery and endured a famine filled with Gods wisdom and knowledge. I also believe that Joseph was using Potiphars wife to fill his needs. He had faced rejection his whole life and along comes a woman giving him attention. If he truly felt compelled to protect himself he would have never been alone with her. He was the Kings number one man and he was alone with his masters wife! Maybe that gives you a bit of a different view of the story and perhaps you see it differently but maybe you relate to it as well.

The bible is full of stories like these but when we get an understanding not just reading them to read them, but actually see underneath them we see a different picture of things. Joseph still triumphed, God still uses people who are led by wrong motives and still allows them to overcome obstacles. Along the way Joseph knew the promise that God had given him he never gave in despite his circumstances he saw the wealth of the world come to his disposal and he saw his father and those who rejected and outcast him come under his mercy.

Along the way I have found different places in my life where my heart would fill that void for acceptance and it led me into decisions that to this day make me think how could I get into those predicaments. I would allow people into my lives for my needs and to make me feel accepted. When they left I would find others for a time being. My commitment level was low because I could never commit to change or allowing others to completely know who I was on the inside. My heart inside of me was full of pain and despair. As I grew older and in my early twenties it came to a crashing halt. I couldn’t continue living in a life full of hopelessness. My memory faded back from time to time to his presence and how he nurtured me at his feet. The story of the prodigal son, the son who had gone off and partied and lived life and I was ready to come home. My heart had led me to places I didn’t know I could go and my life was a ball of hopelessness. I returned to school to find hope and to find the light once again.